Thursday, January 10, 2013

The many sleepless nights that most experience during their only child's teen years begins while my only child is attending college. Parents I don't ever think stop worrying about their children. And like all parents I have a great track record on the worry train. Oftentimes we a assume that our children will always at least call to let us know they are running late in the early morning hours. It's an adult experience I understand to not feel responsible for calling those who have raised us to put our minds at ease. I am certain that I did the same at this age. In fact I am sure of it. While I am awake at a time that usually is a deep peaceful sleep time. I find myself wondering why when I ask his father if he is home yet that there just doesn't seem to be the same level of worry as myself. I mean he is still snoring! Often caught between wanting to text or call and the fear that if  I do it he could be in the middle of driving. Now rambling takes over which happens with sleep deprivation. Even when left a friends house would call to let them know made it home safely. It was a common courtesy to look out for one another. Still to this day I am lectured about not calling to let my stepmother know am safely home!

  Which leads to another issue completely!  Trust! That is a loaded word! We all have to trust that things are safe and in some higher order in life often! Have learned not to pray for anything I don't want to learn the hard way! So prayers usually consist of me asking for things like courage and trust along with requesting that it be handed to me on a silver platter! Sounds reasonable to me at least! I mean why would anyone want to rough it? Guess have been spoiled that way! Having things flow easily most of the time. Although there have been many moments that were just tough! Guess these are the moments when we learn to become stronger which has never been an easy process for me!

My favorite blog critic

My favorite blog critic! Isn't it interesting that our biggest critics can often be first ourselves then our family? Mine is the same as any other person. And I have already changed and written in a guarded manner as a result! But my favorite critic is this young man with the same brown eyes as myself! The young man who kept me up from 7:00 pm until 7:00 am for a couple of months! The same young man that has caused many sleepless nights even before his birth into today! Before his birth because it was uncomfortable to sleep. Immediately after because he began crying all night! The timing was exact like the hands of a clock. His father and myself became very well acquainted with newscasters named Aaron and Lisa!  We were there for their rise to fame from a local night news channel to CNN.  The many thing parents will try to get a baby to stop crying.  Everyone offers answers!  There  is the swing, driving around the neighborhood, playing music, repetitive feedings, and who hasn't heard that putting a baby on top of a dryer will help them to sleep.  The family joke was that my beautiful son liked to party all night when he was an infant! His father and I walked around the first two months in a daze from sleep deprivation. Then after two months it was like magic or something! All of a sudden we had a happy baby boy who smiled and was calm and slept through the nights,

     People tell you to enjoy the days when they are young because they grow up so fast then you are left wondering where the time went. And I thoroughly enjoyed that time in my life. And think about the little things like what it was like to have a child light up when you enter the room, having their small hands on your face to wake you, experiencing another childhood when you were able to play, make things, sing and dance around the house. Those changes that start small like going from being told you the order you were suppose to hug and kiss them when they first start school. To a more mature child who doesn't want anyone to see you hug and kiss them. Having to dress older because it is not okay for their mother to wear shorts anymore. A life almost comparable to living in the Middle East wearing a burka!  Being asked to walk down a different hall at school so no one recognizes  you are their parent. Knowing everything to knowing nothing! Yes we learned to appreciate those younger days before we fall from grace! And here we are still not sleeping at night because we worry about their safety on a consistent basis. So I guess the real name of this part of my life should be the day I stopped sleeping soundly!  My biggest blog critic as can probably be guessed is my child!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Streams of life

While pondering the creation of my own blog, the major themes that arose were all related to the same natural shifts ones  life takes. Familiar uncertainties arose during planning and the decision making creative process beginning with a theme, what type of blog tools to use, what is okay to write about, how much to share, who I can write about, how much of my inner most thoughts, fears, and feelings is acceptable to use according to the guidelines of family and friends.. Until finally after looking at the list and sublists the realization that no solid answers exist for a blog much like no solid answers exist in an individual's life  journey. It is my journey and no one else's. My blog  for the freedom of expression. To be me not the wife, not the mother, not the daughter, not the sister, not the aunt, not the social worker and not the friend. This is about me good or bad all intertwined into one spirit. The strongest spirit and individual I can be as a result of the many challenges have overcome with courage, wisdom, and strength.

     You see not many have lived with the knowledge that at any moment they could awake with the inability to walk or see. The person who constantly lives with fatigue, pain, and the inability to walk with the needed balance into a store or work. Oftentimes with the facade of health and happiness. Maybe this is why there is an image of arrogance knowing in many ways I am stronger in spirit than many I've known.  There is beauty and freedom in life that often is left unappreciated misunderstood and unknown by many of the unchallenged.  With the deepest gratitude I have learned that in problems there is a jewel! Something one of my many spiritual teachers taught me so many years ago. Okay so now I have begun my journey toward the creation of my blog! I am certain I will want to proofread it and change my word choices in the same way have always done as a writer in the past. So today my writing begins with gratitude for the many blessings I have encountered.